I feel so tired with everything that is happening.
It’s just too much . . .
Then Cam suddenly sent me an SMS:
“Is it bad to say that no matter how much he hurted me and how many times he had hurted me through out my life time that I still love him that much that it has never changed but I’m not hopeful that we’re going to have a happy ending someday anymore. Call me stupid or crazy that’s fine with me as long as I’m being honest with myself.” *with 3 smileys after the text*
That’s the message — word per word.
OMG! Like I don’t have enough drama already in my life as it is! I replied to her on YM. I know that my reply isn’t exactly the right answer to her message, but it’s also just what I feel. She keeps on saying sh’es not hoping and stuff, but if she’s really NOT hoping then she should have not thought about it in the first place and just get on with her life. Heres my reply ::
“Okay lang yan Cam, its okay to hope for the best and stay possitive. but you should also draw a line from reality and fantasy. Sometimes when you keep on hoping for things that may happen you tend to expect a lot. And if it doesn’t happen you would feel bad in return. So just play it safe and help yourself heal muna. Maybe there will be a time when you guys would talk again . . . soon.“
“its hard to explain eh… im in the real world as the thought pop in my mind i dnt know how or when but it just did. IM NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING FROM RAMIL ANYMORE maybe a hope that someday we will able to fix everything that needs to be fixed furthur than that wala na. i just want the friendship back at the very least. not all people will understand my stand now but thats how it is. im not going to force any of you to believe me whatever im saying to you guys. im just being honest to myself and to you guys. ayokong magsalita ng patapos lalo na pagdating kay Ramil.“
ARG ! ! !
“im not giving my whole being to chua. sa ngayon its 80% all for myself and 20 na lang para sa kanya. lets just say nadala na ako. i can say a lot of negative stuff about him now adays because thats my only weapon against him. am i going to be truly happy if i do that? or anything that i wanted to do with him just for revenge? no i wont and im not like that as well. thats not me anymore if i do any of those. i still have conscience. he changed me in a lot of ways something i thought i would never do. I’m still the same old cam that everybody knows i may change in age and physically but i think im much better and improved Camille Raymundo Mercado now! and buong-bup pa din ako as a person, woman, daughter, sister, and friend“
“That’s good but eto lang massabi ko, sana wag mo ikagalit pero . . . sana you stop talking about him na din muna. stop thinking about him. just think he doesnt exist na muna.”
Hay nako! Talaga nga naman ! ! !
“the more na umiiwas or iniiwasan ko to the more theres always something happening unexpected or not — believe it or not. I just hate the feeling na may conflict ako with someone for the longest time wala akong naging kaaway or had a conflict with kaya hindi ako sanay ng ganuto. i really really hate that feeling”
I really am getting fed up na . . . I replied:
“Cam I undesrtand ur feelings but you have to see din naman na it’s not something na hawak natin diba. Kung decision mo lang xmpre everything will be better. But the things is there’s another person involved and super stubborn pa nya, to the point na . . . ikaw na nagsabi, huli na sa act ayaw pa mag tell ng truth. maybe its just a lesson in life or maybe God is just testing you (okay I hate it totally na sinasama si God sa any usapan but think about it). Para cguro maging patient ka and learn something from this.”
“you know what you hit the magic word again and for nth time ive heard that throughout this whole time! kahit nga pari sinabihan din ako and most people ive confined with there’s only two common words lagi na lumalabas. BE PATIENT AND WAIT!“
Tinginingining! Is it that hard to understand and to swallow that advice. If a lot of people are telling you this then maybe that’s the only answer to the friggin’ question?!
Because I was getting very much irritated last night I signed out of my YM immediately without even telling Cams that I’m going. What she’s telling me is really getting to my nerves. When I signed in this morning this is what I got . . .
“11:06 PM 1/24
gusto ko ng ilabas at sabihin yung totoo sa mga brent batchmates namen as in sobrang natetempt na talaga ako
im just waiting for him eh na sya mismo ang magsabe dahil siya ang lalake eh,,, and i still respect his privacy din but i feel na i cant take it anymore na minsan gumagawa na ako ng white lies to some people in the batch whenever they ask me about him
hindi kasi ako sanay na may tinatago sa mga tao dahil napaka open book ng buhay ko sa lahat
lalo na sa mga tiga brent they know and saw everything pagdating sa amen ni ramil before
thank you! thank you! thank you sa walang sawa mong pakikinig sa akin and pagiging sobrang patient mo with me. one day at a time thats for sure”