Welcome! Welcome 2011!
Another year has passed but another has taken it’s place to bring us more ups and downs in our already disorganized and complicated life. Truthfully 2010 wasn’t exactly a big happy year for me, it was more of a let down year rather than a yahoo – happy happy joy joy – year. I terribly hope that this year (2011) it would be far different. More joyful, fruitful and successful year for me.
I have a lot of blog before this. I even have another active blog along side with this, but I feel that I use this blog site as a more private diary than my other one. To be honest I’m a private person. Maybe that is one of the reasons why even though I made this blog public, there are still few even close to none who visits my page (except me of course — mostly checking the layout of my most recent entry).
Today is January 1st of the year 2011. It’s night time again, how fast time flies by us especially when you dread waking up next day and getting back to work. Usually people post stuff about what they want to change in their lives, their plans for the year, their new do’s and don’ts list and other bucket lists. Most entries would start out positive and ends positive as well. There are tons of things that are coursing through my head, things that I need to do, things that I want to do, questions and possibilities and all those that I wanted to write down in my entry.
Let’s start with what I feel or what I felt today. I don’t feel like writing about being happy, because I really don’t feel that way – even if we’re already in a new year and should start thinking positively. Today I actually feel lonely / sad / depressed / alone and out of it though I’m surrounded with people, like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit in any picture. At some point at some time I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. I don’t understand it myself, I have no idea why I feel so heavy and burdened. Funny it may seem — when your at this time that you already felt like you belong and then suddenly some events pass you by where you start to see and feel that you have just assumed the whole thing. I don’t have that inner peace feeling or even the wholeness feeling. Some might say that it’s because of my past but I 100% know that I am totally over with my past (breaking up with my boyfriend). I’m having storms of confusion with high winds of sadness raging inside me – an inner turmoil if you must. EMO! — I know . . . I just don’t have this feeling of being needed. That if I was suddenly erased from this so-called life, nothing will change. Everyone will go on with their lives as if nothing happened. The space that I am taking up right now will just be filled by another person. Most probably by someone more than what I am and who I am. Maybe it’s just one of my emo days — shit! I don’t want things from my past to happen again . . .
What have I learned from past experiences which I have internalized today . . . I also want to share these little dashes of (hopefully) wisdom so that if ever you fall down , you have knee pads to protect you.
- I learned that as you grow older, you tend to give more gifts to people and you get less. Okay — that was very selfish , it’s just that I miss being a kid where you get all these cool stuff for Christmas. Whether it’s a toy or clothes or even books. But giving is such a good feeling, knowing that even just for a day in the whole year — you have made someone happy.
- Never assume. Once you assume things you start to expect. When you start expecting, you get confused then disappointed. When you get disappointed you get depressed. After that you start thinking that life is a bitch and you start questioning that why faith is ruining your life.
- To achieve freedom, one must learn to forgive one’s self first then others. One has to let go — in general, about everything — not for the sake of others but for one’s self preservation. Anger is a good ally to forget and to let go, but too much negativity only causes harm especially on one’s self.
- People tend to listen to you when you’re down. They will try to cheer you up and advice or suggest solutions to help you get back on your two feet. It’s always up to you to take which path you prefer , but never ever ever be a broken recorder. People listen to you because they feel for you, but that has limits too.
- No one said getting over is easy. But that doesn’t need to take months especially when the knowledge that you were just being used is just right in front of you waving it’s fanny all over your face. If you really want to be happy again, start taking the first steps of letting go.
- Bitterness / sour-graping / green monsters and other spiteful characters can easily squeeze out of their hidey-holes. SO please always think of what you are saying. Even if you are just ranting out . . . try to think first of the things you tell people. Be aware that when you step out of a relationship, you handle it maturely.
- Stop lying to yourself. Especially when other’s can already see right through you.
- When you have it, grasp it . . . not too tightly neither too loose. Don’t let “What if” questions play your mind. Say what you want to say and let everything else to hell. When is the time if not now?
- Insecurity is part of each one of us, just make sure it doesn’t affect your decision making.
- Being too fickle brakes more than makes. No one likes to wait, neither do you. So don’t let people wait for you to make a decision. However no one is also telling you to decide right away. It’s just that when you know it is already time, do something about it. Remember, it’s your lost if you would loose what you have now because you can’t say what’s in your heart.